Pretty proud of myself for figuring two things out today. One that Mental Health isn’t an all or nothing construct. Instead of being a 10 or a 0, for example I can be a 3 or a 7. Also, that my symptoms can be grouped into let’s being MENTALLY depressed or PHYSICALLY depressed. Mental Depression to me is when I start thinking and feeling along the lines of ending my life whereas Physical Depression can be more of that bone and soul devouring fatigue that has me wanting nothing more than laying around all day.
This is an important distinction to me because it allows me ease up on the beat down I give myself when I start to “slip”. Until today, I would take the physical signs of depression as meaning the mental signs were just a breath or two away and that could only mean that a full blown major depressive episode was upon me. NOW, however, I get that acting NOW to prevent the mental symptoms can not only prevent the mental symptoms but also another relapse of a more deadly episode.
And, to be clear, I am not suicidal. I have been. Lord have I. But now? Not at all. On the scale I use with my Doctors, a 10 is I am already dead, a 9 is me checking myself into a Psych Unit, an 8 is I’m making calls to the people I am ‘contracted’ with, and a 7 would be I’m in real-time communication with my Doctors. Given all this, I am a 6. Later today, I promise to reach out to my Psychiatrist to talk about how it’s been two weeks now and I am getting concerned.
This is new to me. Reaching out like this, that is. I tend to avoid reaching out between regularly scheduled appointments preferring the masochism of “toughing it out”.