Sisyphean Crush

One of the worst things about my struggle with Mental Health is the multiple dilemmas that comes form KNOWING you should reach out and FEELING like such a shell of a human being that even trying to do so will cause the monstrous boulder you’ve been slowly suiciding yourself in pushing UP Mt. Everest will ultimately roll back on you on carrying you so very easily to your gravitational demise.

Wounds dramatic, no? Good; it should.

When I am “slipping”, or perhaps trying to be more honest with myself, “relapsing”, it honestly FEELS like I am that exhaustipated (so tired that you can’t afford to give a shit any longer) giant Sisyphus rolling the Earth up the mountain…Every arduous upward movement demands of me to brace every muscle fiber of my being, every drop of my blood, every call from my very cells to “Let Go”…All the while ignoring the screams from my body that it hurts too much, the wails of my soul that I’ve tried this too too many times now, and every drop of familiarly-fresh blood, rolling streams sweat, and bitterly-sharp tears.

THIS may be “dramatic” but it is most definitely how it occurs when I need help the most. And by “help” I do not mean taking my medications, talking to my therapist, or taking a nap. I mean help beyond which I know words to describe. I literally do not even know what help in these situations looks like, tasted like, and most life-savingly FEELS like.

I’ve been BLESSED to land in good therapy that has taught me to listen more deeply to that soft inner voice that has empowered me to make quantum leaps in decision making. These quantum leaps in choice making have lead me to be much more selective in who I let in, where I spend my time, how long people are allowed in, and when it is best to ask them to depart. As such, I have learned a new ‘concept’ that I am proud to share; the new word and world of “Support”.

Previously, support was a 7 letter word in a book of words; I could look the word up in this ‘book of words’ and discover what support meant. I’ll spare you the copying and pasting of the dictionary definition and stick with the story and say that what a word MEANS is rarely the same as what the word sounds like, tastes like and getting to the point, FEELS like. One cannot know what one does not know. This sounds redundant but there is some real Truth to it. If you never felt “supported” then how can you identify it when it is in front of you, know it when it is happening, or ask for it when you know that “something is missing?”

For me, making better decisions with respect to my relationships with people have allowed me to learn what support is whether it be from my girlfriend, closest friends, coworkers, and even family. I have learned that it IS the “something missing” that has been around me all the time, that can be identified and even asked for! Whether it be asking for a longer-than-normal hug or caress from my Lover, a quick coffee or hike with a  friend, or a catching up call with family. I may not get that support every time I ask, but the stats guy in me comes out here and says the more people I ask, the more likely SOMEONE will say Yes!

Hows’ all this support talk tie into the Sisyphean boulder? Wellllll, it might be having others helps me brace myself or even push, assure me that even if I do “fall” that I am on FLAT ground and not a mountain, or that it’s a large stone I am pushing rather than a “boulder”! As much as I hate pushing boulders up mountains, I love being wrong even more.

 

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